Because new is new… no matter what the circumstance, that alone can be scary.
Today is such a big day for our family. One I have been so excited for but equally dreading at the same time: Raj’s first day attending a new school, full time. When Darshan and I made the decision to pull him from his old preschool, the preschool I used to work at and is like family to us (as in the owner and teachers visited him in the hospital when he was born, haha), we just knew the time had come for him to move on so he could be pushed to new limits and that it was the right decision for our family. The new school Rajan is attending is the school that he will go to for elementary through junior high so it seemed like such a no brainer; lets get him used the schedule, get him acclimated to the program and other children, and give him a head start in curriculum. Never, though, did I anticipate how emotionally hard it would be for us as the parents when the day actually came! Is he too young to go full time? Did we make the right decision? Is starting at a new school where everyone is a stranger to all of us ok to do at this point? All and every question and fear started to rise over the last 24 hours and that made the emotional process a little difficult for me this morning. The self doubt as parents, the questioning if we were making the right choice to send him full time just 2 months short of being 4 years old… what the HELL are we doing?!
When I worked as a preschool teacher and director, I saw it all the time. The parents who lingered as they dropped their kids off for the first day of school, the parents who called every hour on the hour wondering how their child was doing, and I always wondered what type of parent I would be. I knew and could only imagine how hard it was for the parents at that first drop off… but I also knew from being on the other side of things how completely FINE their child was. So now being on the parent side of the track… well, it is not as easy as I thought! But the only comfort I have for today was being witness to all those kids on the first day of school, I knew how fine the kids were and so now as the parent I am trying my best to put on my teacher hat and remind myself that just like them, MY Raji is fine as well! But, while I thought I was prepared and ready for today… my gosh it is so much easier said than done! All morning there has been that small little tug at my hear that has been making me an emotional wreck, and no matter how many chants and reminders I give myself, it has still been hard. As Darshan reminded me several times, just because I am feeling this way and hyper aware of my emotions does not mean Raj is feeling the same, for all we know he is probably, and most likely, having the best day of his life! Thank God for husbands who don’t mock you and let you be a baby about parenting every so often, that is fore sure what is getting me through this emotional roller coaster. I know in my heart of hearts what a happy and well adjusted little man Raj is, and I am thanking God that he has just always been such a natural social being, in fact that is one of his biggest strengths, so I know that these funny emotions of mine will pass quickly because I have so much confidence and faith in my son’s abilities and sense of independence. But for now, for this second, I can’t help but to feel like I just want him to be my baby and my best friend and stay home with me forever.
That’s just how it is as the mama, though, right? We carry all the weight, all the fears, all the pain, all of the everything so that our little ones don’t have to. We wear the smile on our face and sing the happy songs and talk these life events up so our little ones know how much faith we have in them, but then once they turn around and walk out that door on their own, as we are standing alone waving goodbye to them, we are allowed to let those emotions and feelings flood, right? It is our job as their moms to carry them and support them and be their number one fan, and dear God if it means I carry the emotions for him so he doesn’t have to feel any of that fear, then let me carry it all! Perspective. Yes I have that little thing called perspective. I know how fortunate he is, I know how amazing he is going to be, its preschool for goodness sake, and he is going to one of the most accredited schools in our county, I know he is MORE THAN FINE… but as the mom, as his mama, I refuse to apologize for the fact that feel like a tiny little chip has been cracked out of my heart, because put simply, he is my heart. My heart since the day he was born, lives outside of my chest and is completely and entirely submerged in his little body and mind. Him and his dad, they are my world and I have never been ashamed or too shy to say it, my life revolves around them. So for today, and maybe just today, I think I am allowed to feel a little twisted up on the inside because down the road just two miles, my heart, my little boy, is in a classroom being his confident and happy social little self and making me the proudest mom in the world.
Today our little boy started big kid preschool and today begins an entirely new chapter for our family. I know to so many this was no big deal and you probably think I am SOOOOO dramatic for feeling so emotional, but we all have our triggers, for me change has always been one. New chapters can be fun and exciting but also really scary and terrifying at times, so for today and JUST today, I am going to sit and give myself some grace with the fact that it is ok for me to cry it out as I come to peace with this newness. As a person, as a woman, as a mom, that it is ok and will always be ok to let myself feel and learn to cope with the fact that what seems like such a simple and easy concept can still also need processing (like sending your kid to school full time, who knew?).
And to my little boy who barely fits in my arms anymore… I have never been more proud of you and know that there is nothing in the world I am more confident in than the fact that you are and will always be safe and ok. I am so excited to be your #1 fan for life and I will always carry the weight of the world for you when you need me to so that you can feel free to always be who you choose to be. Mama loves you, and Dad and I are so lucky you are ours.
Ok, ok. Now for the fun stuff… Check out all of our back to school swag below, we found some suuuuuper cute items for Raj so I just HAD to share them here.
SHARK Backpack + Lunchbox gifted from Petit Collage