“I am going to be 32 this month, isn’t that crazy? Do I LOOK 32 to you?”
That was the first question I asked my husband over the weekend as I sat across from him during a much needed and long overdue date night. He sort of just looked at me across the table with thoughts of sleeping on the couch and months of repayment in the form of handbags dependent on how he answered this question, I knew he was completely taken off guard and I know first hand what a trap I had put him in. If we are being completely honest here, I truly was prepared to hear any and every response he had because quite frankly I wanted to know the good hard truth, and if we are being even more honest I knew that he was the guy to get that truth from. His response was ever so perfect, as I am sure 13 years together has prepared him for this one question alone, and he was kind and sweet and I am sure (because he is smart) relaying his honest opinion, “no, not at all – I would say more in the neighborhood of 26ish…” Ha! Perfect, I’ll take it, even if that was slightly ‘fluffed’ 😉
Sometimes it can be so surreal to sit back and think about life and all of the things I have been through, overcome, and how many years I have been on this earth. I have never in my life feared getting older, even in my late 20’s when my friends were having drunken bar talk about how they never wanted to see the age of 30, I always just sat back (probably so annoyingly smug) and would get excited thinking about the future. I know that by nature I have always been somewhat of an old soul, I felt like I carried the weight of a 50 year old by the age of 10 with how much I worried and carefully planned out my life, so for me there is something rewarding about finally getting to live life where I finally feel in full control of my current state and future. I know it is said often, but maybe not always remembered; growing older is such a gift that is too often denied to many. I don’t know how that is something I realized even at a young age, but for me every year since as early as I can remember I would just wake up on my birthday and feel thankful that I was fortunate to live another year with my loved ones. Call it morbid or call it having that old soul, but I always knew how precious life was and I have always lived it with a sense of thankfulness. This used to stress me out as a kid, that fact that I carried all of this awareness, but now as an adult I feel honored and thankful that this is one power I possess.
With this being my birthday month, all of the things going on around me that I do and do not have control over, and quite frankly ever since I have become a mom, I always strive to be mindful of what is happing in my life and mentally and emotionally being aware of where I stand on that. Now of course, I realize the silliness of putting my husband on the spot over dinner, I mean, I have been married for 6 ½ years, I am the mother of a 3 year old and I run two businesses along side my husband – the impending grey hairs and laugh wrinkles (which my family is notorious for) are the inevitable and in the end, its not something I truly even care about.
What I do care about is internal – on the inside I feel young, I still love to have fun, enjoy life, chase dreams, and have all of the fight and ambition in the world to work for everything I want to create and make of this life, my life. Truth be told, I don’t ask about the physical signs because I fear aging, more so because I want it to be known when people see me I don’t want age to matter because in my opinion that doesn’t defy us, I want people to see that there is so much power and fight and life still in me. I want to speak and think with age, knowledge, and wisdom – but carry myself and present who I am with a timeless and effortless ease. I think that is something I will be dedicating my 33rd year to and I have decided that that alone makes me so excited to begin the new year of my life next week.